I want to be like him .......

I wrote this blog on my way back from home on 02 Jan. Just didn't manage to post it till now.

Last December I had gone home to visit my parents. It was one of those usual year end trips I take every year but this time it was a bit.....different. After 42 years of service my dad was finally hanging up his boots. As I entered by home I felt the air slightly different. First question I asked my mom, "Where is dad?". My mother replied with a smile, "He still has 4 days left...Where do you think he will be?" It was a question who's answer I had known all my life. Dad was on duty and he will be on duty till the last minute of his service. The next 4 days saw a constant stream to people coming to our house to bade their good byes. The number of people I spoke to in those 4 days is much more than what I would normally speak to in 4 months. As my dad introduced me to each one of them I realized something, "I was known by my dad's name. My identity was my father." Suddenly I wanted to be like him. 

Finally the d-day arrived. My dad is not the type to share his feeling in open. As he left for duty for the last time, I saw a glimmer of sadness in his eyes for the first time. A man who loved to work for 16 hours a day......I could make out how he felt. As the day passed my mother and me waited for him to come back home in the evening. Both of us didn't talk about this the whole day but we could think to nothing else. Dad came home and suddenly he seemed much older. Somehow from morning to evening he had aged many years. He was smiling but his eyes were betraying him. 

Soon it was time for me return to Bangalore. As I packed I noticed my mom looking at me. It was not something new but this time it felt as though her eyes were saying something. As I tried to figure out what it might be, it struck me.......My mother was saying, "Your father has done his duty....now its your turn. Make us proud." Suddenly it felt as though a boulder has been placed on my shoulder. Slowly the feeling started to sink in. Life felt a little different. Responsibilities had taken the front seat and all other things seemed trivial. I returned to Bangalore the next day...but things had changed. Now everything I do, I try to see it in this new light. There's a long way to go before I am anywhere close to my dad. I am prepared for this journey.....only time will tell how far I am able to go..... 

What did I miss .........

It was just another morning and I had plans. I had big plans for my day ahead in office. I had gone over them again and again the previous night and today morning. I was so pleased with my meticulous planning that I patted myself on my back more than once. I walked out of my apartment with a smile on my face that would envy almost any one joining the morning rush hour traffic. Just as I crossed the lawn, I saw the same little girl again. She was sitting near the gate staring at me. Those eyes were looking for an answer. An answer that I should have given her weeks ago. She calls me Bhaiya. It was her birthday 3 weeks ago and this Bhaiya had promised her a doll that she had seen on TV. But somehow Bhaiya never managed to remember his promise to a little girl. I avoided her gaze and rushed through the gate, afraid if the little girl reminded Bhaiya of his promise the meticulous planner Bhaiya would not have an answer. I kicked myself for the umteenth time and promised myself not to forget my earlier promise today evening. 

As you would have guessed, I didn't remember the promise that I had so shamelessly made the same morning. As I entered my appartment building, I noticed my watchman was missing from his usual place. I thought, thats strange. I don't remember seeing that happening. As I entered my house my roommate told me the little girl was not well. She was in hospital. It felt as if a boulder had hit me. She was the watchman's daughter. I rushed to the hospital where the doctors told me she was undergoing surgery but she may not make it. This was so unreal. I couldn't believe this was happening. That beautiful smile, those innocent eyes, that comforting voice......all would be gone. I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do. My forgotton promise came back to haunt me. If only I had remembered her doll.......if only I wasn't to busy in planning my tomorrow.......if only I had taken time and relish the joy of today.....there were so many "if onlys".....I rushed to get her doll. When I came back, I could see my watchman crying. My worst fears has come true. She was gone.......God...Why......Honey I got your doll.....those little eyes had closed for ever. I was left asking myself, "What did I miss.......?".